True Love Never Ran So Cold
by Erkith
Summary: COMPLETE. Kel's been captured by a torturer. Dom's clothes are traded for a... clue? A Banana, a butterknife and a horrible chant make an appearance. What the bleep is goin on? Nothing like my other fics! Updated once a week! completed in 6 chappies
1. The Note

**Disclaimer: **WARNING, the following fanfiction does not claim to make sense, fit within the book, or to be anything other than the creation of a quirky mind. All characters belong to Tamora Pierce's Protector of the Small series.

**Author's note from Erkith: **Lol Since I didn't make my month's objective in updates for the Spy I went ahead and rushed the completion of another fic I was writing. I swore I wouldn't publish it on until I had it completely finished... so obviously I had to finish it today :D It's 6 chapters long and I'm going to post one every week, regardless of how many or little other updates I do, because I can! NO MORE WAITING (for this fic anyway _blushes at the memory of those chucked apples_ from DKOM and The Spy.)

Erkith

PS. The disclaimer is serious. This fic is... beyond my control, so crazy... lol you'll see what I mean in CHAP 2 ... just keep it in mind that not all is as it appears...

* * *

**True Love Never Ran So Cold**

Chapter one: The Note

From the moment his skin touched the cool waters, he was awash with relief. He surfaced from his dive and grinned. Water dripped down black hair, beading as it hit flesh. With a content sigh, he performed a few lazy strokes then allowed himself to merely float on the lake's cool surface. This was exactly what he had needed after a hard training – especially one with her.

_My lady is working me hard these days_; he winced at the wording of his thoughts. That hadn't been what he'd meant. Not at all what he'd meant! Although his cousin would have argued that it was probably equally true. _Mithros, Masbolle._ Grimly, he submerged himself in the cold water, hoping to disspell the unwanted thoughts.

His mind had been like that recently. Images kept popping up in his head uninvited. It was becoming ridiculous! He'd lost a bout today simply because his attention had wavered to her as she walked by in long, fitted riding pants. They revealed the length of her legs to advantage.

There was no excuse for this. He wasn't a clumsy, horomone-stricken teenager anymore, and hadn't been for some time. Meathead had been right to raise a brow over it. He wasn't one to be distracted by the ladies. In fact, recently he'd been finding the court beauties even less interesting than usual.

He craved honesty instead of their misdirections. He preferred loyalty to their politics. He sought strength where they offered only fragility. He wanted... It was ridiculous and demoralizing to realise where his mind kept travelling. _Mithros! Masbolle, you idiot,_ he chastised, _Stay away from her! _

Stepping out of the lake he reached for his clothes and found they had disappeared. Thinking they might have fallen off their makeshift clothes peg; he proceeded to scan the surrounding ground. Nothing. Leaves russled as his hand brushed through them, looking for any trace of his belongings. Nothing.

He began cursing. Was this someone's idea of a joke? Who would do such a...? _Raoul, the Own, Neal... among others_. Intending to give the gods his opinion on the subject of immature pranks he glanced up – and froze.

Tacked to the branch above him were his underclothes. He snatched them down, roughly. A note fluttered to the ground.

**TAKEN. ONE LADY. STOLEN IN THE DEAD OF KNIGHT.**

**SAFE. FOR NOW. THOUGH TORTURE DO BE HER PLIGHT.**

**YOU. SERGEANT. HAVE BUT UNTIL MIDNIGHT.**

He frowned and read it again. _Which lady?_ _There are at least a hundred ladies at court..._ Shivering with cold as the water on his skin chilled him; he put on what was left of his clothes. The underclothes stuck to his wet body. He picked up the note again.

It was then that he noticed it. The note read "Stolen in the dead of **k**night." The deliberate misspelling of night – how had he missed it? "Lady" as in Lady Knight!

They had his Lady!

_Hold on, _he thought. _Hold on, I'm coming for you._

He whistled for his horse. There was no reply...

From the opposite bank, seated upon the Sergeant's steed, a man laughed evilly. Everything was going exactly as planned.

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**A/N:** I repeat. Strange fic. Complete, not fully posted yet, and very,very strange. Lol I can't believe I wrote this...

Please Review and mock me!


	2. Stolen

**Disclaimer: **WARNING, the following fanfiction does not claim to make sense, fit within the book, or to be anything other than the creation of a quirky mind. All characters belong to Tamora Pierce's Protector of the Small series.

**Author's Note from Erkith:** Hello again! It's good to be back... and **shock!** On time! Lol never thought I'd see it happen. I did screw up though _sigh_ because I said that this chap would be quirky... which it isn't... it's the next chapter that is seriously weird and random... lol it's title says it all.

Actually, upon reading this chap again, I've decided that this chap is a bit weird... just not in comparison to next week's update.

**_Erkith_**

PS. The disclaimer is serious. This fic is... beyond my control, so crazy... lol you'll see what I mean in CHAP 3 ... just keep it in mind that not all is as it appears...

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**True Love Never Ran So Cold**

Chapter Two: Stolen

Keladry of Mindelan was on parapet duty tonight. She took turns at all the positions, but Kel had to admit that this was one of her favourites. She glanced at the setting sun. Darkness would be upon them soon. It was so dark at night. Peaceful. Quiet. No one bothered her this late at night with petty squables or stock lists.

She scanned the grounds and saw Dom riding into the woods. _Lucky him_, she thought enviously. He was completely free to enjoy the night. She sighed and began pacing again. The man was probably swiming in cool, relaxing water. The refreshing kind, that one craved at the end of a hard day.

It would ripple over his muscles as the light did off her Yamani blade. Cool, strong, and dangerous.

Daydreaming. When was she going to get over this crush? She sighed, staring out over the wall at the forest; knowing that he was out there somewhere.

Something was wrong. She realised it abruptly but not in time.

"I've got you now, Keladry of Mindelan!" A triumphant voice declared in a whisper as an unseen man caught her around the arm.The green spell in his palm knocked her out almost immediately.

_Who?_ She thought with a yawn before she passed into a deep sleep.

The man laughed excitedly. Part one of his little mission was done. Now... part two. He had the bait, now he just needed his hunter...

_I'm so evil!_ He thought. _So deliciously evil.

* * *

_

Kel woke in a dark room, disoriented and dizzy. _Calm, Kel,_ she thought desperately. _Blue water. The lake, calm and serene, was a mirror. _Goddess, but it was dark!

She'd been stolen off the parapets. Attacked from behind, as she recalled. A flash of light reminded her of the magic. Stolen by a mage?

She'd been kidnapped. The realisation came slowly, her wits dulled with disbelief. Why would anyone kidnap her? King Jonathan would just as soon make her disappear of the face of the earth as pay a ransom for her.

Kel tried to stand up and realised with a jolt that she already was. She was held upright by leather shackles against a cold, stone wall. Goddess! What was this!

"Hello, my pretty." A voice whispered in her ear. The same voice. She'd heard it before.

"Mithros! Who are you?"

"I'm so evil! So deliciously evil!" Came the sing song reply.

"That's lame!" Kel shouted into the darkness. She had no idea where he was, or for that matter, where she was.

How long would it take someone to find her? Did they even no she was missing yet? Maybe Dom did. Goddess, but she hoped Dom would find her.

"I'm so evil! So deliciously evil!"

Enough with the damned song! "Are you afraid to show me your face? Is that why you're keeping me in the dark?"

"No. I just can't find the damned torch."

He couldn't find a torch. This was unprofessional... deffinitely.

"The big, scary kidnapper can't find a torch." Kel taunted. _Idiot._

The room brightened considerably as he found the torch. She looked around. Stone walls surrounded her, water dripping down their sides to the cold, hard ground. Kel noted the door was directly opposite her. Kel's heart squeezed in anger as she recognised where she was – a dungeon.

"I'm so evil! So deliciously evil!"

Kel glared at the man as he re-entered the room. The chanting was getting on her nerves. She was about to scream at him when her breath caught.

She saw the knife.

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**A/N : **MORE NEXT WEEK! Look forward to more notes and a random factor heeheeheeh!

I repeat. Strange fic. Complete, not fully posted yet, and very,very strange. Lol I can't believe I wrote this...

**Please Review and mock me!**

THANK YOU TO MY REVIEWERS!

**DreamingCrow:** lol I don't need to write more... it's already finished :D all six chaps!

**Chios-gal:** lol thank you for the compliment. The weirdness takes hold of my fic next chap and just runs away with it : P

**Tortall Princess:** Here's the update you wanted! There's another next week, which is very weird...

**Lady Angelique of Mystique:** Don't worry! I've already finished writing this one, so it won't interfere with the others at all... except that every Saturday I'll be taking time to post another chapter... lol

**Sorceress Shadow Rain:** KD ROCKS! Lol and don't worry it gets weirder...

**Mistywabbit:** lol oh it'll get plenty strange. And YES I've been VERY busy!

**Zerrin of the Wind:** lol I agree. I don't think Dom's completely aware of it. lol my all KD either starts with them already in a relationship or with him slightly, but adorably oblivious ; )

**Bambolieblue:** seem to be responding to you quite a bit! Yay! Glad you think this is coming along!

**Atlanta Enchanted:** Isn't it nice to know that next Saturday you'll have another:D So happy I kept this one under wraps until it was complete... makes updating on time a lot easier!

**Feifiefofum: **It is a little short and so is this, but I think at least one of these chappies is fairly long... anyway you do get to read one every week... trade off? Lol and you have a prediction already?

**Archerofdarkness and Callie:** This one will be updated every week until I run out of chapters... (the END) I've finished writing it. I'll try very hard to update the others, but I have this idea for another HP fic inspired by that 6th book _shakes fist at it_ grrrr! so it could be a while... 

THANKS AGAIN!


	3. Banana Peel

**Disclaimer: **WARNING, the following fanfiction does not claim to make sense, fit within the book, or to be anything other than the creation of a quirky mind. All characters belong to Tamora Pierce's Protector of the Small series.

**Author's Note from Erkith:** Hello again! On time! Lol This is where it starts get weirder... so enjoy: D!

_**Erkith

* * *

**_

**True Love Never Ran So Cold**

Chapter Two: Banana Peel

Dom yelped as he tried to brush aside a thorn bush. He'd thought his fingers had numbed with the cold, but apparently not quite that much. He rubbed his hands together, and he blew on them. He was so cold.

Slipping, Dom hit the ground hard. Mithros! He looked at the object that had thrown him in the mud... was that a banana?

What kind of kidnapping was this? The bloody thief had stolen most of his clothes and his horse... and Kel.

That got him moving again. They'd taken his Lady! He was going to rip them to shreds.

**TORTURE DO BE HER PLIGHT.** Dom's gut wrenched. He had to move faster – had to!

New Hope appeared in the darkness ahead. Tall and powerful, with great stone walls, the fort stood out against the sky quite magestically. But there was something wrong. Dom squinted as he ran towards it. There were no guards.

He pounded on the gate, which opened soundlessly. A note fell at his feet.

**THE CASTLE SLEEPS. THE LADY WEEPS. YOU. SERGEANT STAND AT THE GATE. THE KNIGHT GROWS COLD. THE WALLS GROW MOLD. RUN. FOR FAR WE WOULD NOT TAKE.**

Kel! He glanced ahead and saw a trail. A trail of clothes. He tore down the halls, tripping over Kel's boots, sword, shirt, etc. Growing increasingly angry. This was not a bloody game!

Guards, servants, and villagers lay asleep on the ground. He stopped to check a couple times for their pulses. Some of them looked almost dead, but they were just unconscious. _A mage. It had to be a mage,_ he thought sourly.

He slipped, bruising his butt when it hit the ground. He looked at the object on the ground with furious disgust. Another bloody banana peel! He jumped up and started running; he didn't have time to curse the kidnapper's lousy sense of humour.

Then heard a scream. A scream of rage and maybe pain echoed from somewhere in the fort. Kel! "Kel!" he shouted. "Kel! Where are you?"

There was silence. All he could hear was the cold slap of his numbed feet against the stone floor. He paused for a moment. Gods! He was cold. His bloody teeth were chattering.

Another scream.

They were torturing her!

What was the bloody clue? He uncrumpled the note.

**THE CASTLE SLEEPS. **

Yes well that was obvious.

**THE LADY WEEPS. **

Dom's fists clenched. That wasn't going to help him find her.

**YOU. SERGEANT STAND AT THE GATE. **

Yes, well he had been hadn't he?

**THE KNIGHT GROWS COLD. **

They'd stolen her clothes, so in all likelihood that was true... and if it was another play on "night" then it simply meant that time was running out.

**THE WALLS GROW MOLD. RUN. FOR FAR WE WOULD NOT TAKE.**

That was it! The walls grow mold! She was somewhere in New Hope where the walls grew mold... but where was that?

Not the infirmary because Neal kept that clean. Not the great hall or the kitchens because their cooks would have fit if there was mold, and Dom would already have heard about it. None of the quarters would be that dirty unless the person desired to be assigned two weeks of latrine duty...

So where...?

He kicked another banana peel aside. It slapped wetly against the wall.

Water, running down the walls. Oh! Of course.

**TORTURE DO BE HER PLIGHT.**

The dungeons.

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**A/N:** MORE NEXT WEEK! Look forward to more notes and a random factor heeheeheeh!

I repeat. Strange fic. Complete, not fully posted yet, and very,very strange. Lol I can't believe I wrote this...

**Please Review and mock me!**

THANK YOU TO MY REVIEWERS!

**Syl Rose: **lol I've no idea where the banana came from! Strange enough for you?

**The Hobbit Lass:** Roger WAS a moron! Lol and so is the kidnapper :D I too enjoy his song... very inane. Destined to become stranger!

**FanFictionFantom: **lol predictions?

**Zerrin of the Wind:** lol thanks for the review!

**Tortall Princess: **Glad you're enjoying this! The kidnapper is very lame.

**Mistywabbit: **lol giggling and weirdness! Thanks for reviewing!

**Dancer4eva:** lol oh the torture scene is coming :D Funny you should use the words weird and spontaneous... those were the moods that created this story : P

**Lutefa:** lutefa's an unusual name! And don't get too worried about your knowledge of the books... :D

**Sparkley-tangerine:** lol yes very lame 

**Callie:** Thanks! You wrote a TP? Hmm... I'll have to go see that!

**Feifiefofum: **You should have seen my face when I read your review! The purest of pure horrors! I'm completely apalled! Thanks for catching that... _winces_! I'll try to get down to DKOM.

**Runner NDA:** An interesting hypothesis! Lol but I have NOOOO comment : P

**Atlanta Enchanted:** lol unfortunately I can't answer your Q. Still, always nice to hear from you... thanks for the review! Hope you enjoy the chap!

**Wildlace Keladry2005:** Thank you!

**Bambolieblue:** He's supposed to be annoying, so I'll accept the compliment. :D! lol glad you're enjoying it!

**Padfoot's Sidekick: **lol here you go. More. More. More.

Thanks


	4. Neal!

**Disclaimer: **WARNING, the following fanfiction does not claim to make sense, fit within the book, or to be anything other than the creation of a quirky mind. All characters belong to Tamora Pierce's Protector of the Small series.

**Author's Note from Erkith:** Hey! Thank you all for reading this fic! I confess I am slightly overwhelmed by how many ppl are reading this... I did at some point consider not posting it... Thank you for the lovely reviews!

And if you thought last chapter was weird... well, I don't have an adjective for this one...

Enjoy!

_**Erkith

* * *

**_

**True Love Never Ran So Cold**

Chapter Two: Neal!

It was a butter knife. Kel looked at it disbelievingly. What in the name of the Goddess?

"Surprised?" Came the familiar drawl she couldn't quite place.

She glared back at him.

"It's just to butter you up, darling." He said with a laugh and sunk the knife into a wad of butter that lay, melting on a tray.

"You see? I'm soooooo evil!" He cackled maniacally.

Her tormentor leaned over and spread it smoothly over her skin. It tickled. The butter continued to melt on her skin, leaving rivelets streaming down her body. Kel tried in vain to shift away from those rivers; she was too well tied.

She couldn't help it. She screamed when the man began adding red jam. It was equally runny and similarly torturous as it tickled her mercilessly. It was inescapable!

"I'm so evil so deliciously evil!" He began again. "I'm no weasel, but I sure am evil!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Kel screamed. "STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!"

* * *

He could see the shine of sweat running down her skin and watched the blood ooze from the knife. He heard her scream. Once, twice, three times as he descended the winding stairs, unable to stop himself from glancing out the window each time he reached one.

Dom's heart wrenched with each tortured sound rising out of his Lady's throat.

"STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!"

Dom could hear the echo of a noise close to laughter, but it must have been tears. She was crying. Kel never cried. The masked man was killing her.

She screeched and the sounds of clanking metal crash through the window below him. So many landings. How was he supposed to get down there? He needed to go faster!

Evil chanting. He could hear it very faintly, but it was a sinister sound.

Cold iced through him. Fear that he would be too late threatened to root him on the spot. He glanced down at his feet, wondering for a shivering moment if it were a visible thing. Another scream pierced the air.

Dom decided the man's fate in seconds.

He would make sure the torturer would die.

Images flashed before his eyes as he tore down the stairs – almost there, almost!

Kel. Dom had the deepest of feelings that she was the **one** for him. Strong, not frail and weak, but strong and opinionated. Someone who doesn't flinch from danger but steps on top of it. The woman who'd probably saved his life a hundred times on the field and for whom he had given his life without question. Between his King and Kel – he'd save Kel.

It all came down to Kel.

He was on the other side of the door when he heard her scream a name.

"NEAL!"

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**A/N:** lol sorry to end it on such a note... okay, so I'm not THAT sorry :D I have a penchant for cliffies. More coming next week! Thank you to my READERS and REVIEWERS!

I haven't yet seen the rule written out anywhere, yet, so I'm going to respond to my reviews. If a moderator (or whatever the runners of are called) has an issue with this, I hope he or she will let me know (confirm...or preferably deny the rumours) before trying to delete my account.

SO...THANK YOU TO MY REVIEWERS!

**RunnerNDA:** Naturally, I cannot say anything in relation to your hypothesis :D but you are, of course, welcome to guess. I'm glad you think I have Dom down, because he's a pretty great character! Thank you for reviewing!

**Padfoot's Sidekick:** lol the poor guy will trip over more than strategically placed banana peels if he hurries any faster! And yes MORE MORE MORE! Next week!

**Sparkely-tangerine:** lol you'll just have to wait and see :D

**Rubber Duck:** Glad to hear you're still around! I've been wondering! Hope you're still enjoying it! And if you're stuck on your fic... try rereading it and then reworking some of the plot that was supposed to come after... or start something new! Just write something!

**Syl Rose:** lol is the weirdness of my fic traumatizing you? I do hope this fic is living up to its strangeness! And lol look out for the rest of the chant in the next chappie! I think the kidnapper has MANY issues!

**Lutefa:** Funny you should mention little brothers, cold, and locked house doors... _glares _I know the feeling to my memory's discomfort. As for falling, I'm right with you on that one too..._sighs_

**Lady Shannon of RosePeak:** Thank you! High compliments! I hope you enjoyed this chappie:D and MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE! Next week!

**Mistywabbit:** lol yay weirdness! As for catching on, let's just say I like being unpredictable, so nothing is guaranteed... : p lol except the weirdness!

**Atlanta Enchanted:** hello again! such a loyal reviewer :D your comments make me happy! I sincerely hope you are reading this and have not died of anticipation and that you will live to read the next 2 chappies!

**The Hobbit Lass:** lol all in good time! You will know soon... next chappie to be precise!

**Goddess Of The Moon:** I've always pictured the dark, dank, smelly, mouldy kind of dungeons...

**Zerrin of the Wind:** lol banana peels, they make me laugh! Frustrating, amusing, and completely out of place... :D

**Wildlace Keladry2005:** lol I use bananas in moderation, so we'll see. As to repetition... if I notice, I'll let you know.

**Sharn:** glad you like it, despite the fact that it's weird... that's kind of how I feel about it. And neither are completely nude. They have their small clothes still... lol so they're only ALMOST nude : p


	5. Objective Achieved

**Disclaimer: **WARNING, the following fanfiction does not claim to make sense, fit within the book, or to be anything other than the creation of a quirky mind. All characters belong to Tamora Pierce's Protector of the Small series.

**Author's Note from Erkith:** Last week's reviews were great! I laughed so hard at all the symbols you guys came up with for the butter and jam! Lol Next week is the finale so please don't forget to read it!

LOL apparently the correct adjective for last week's chapter is "eldritch" a scottish word meaning unearthly/weird - courtesy of Mistywabbit and her thesaurus.

Enjoy!

_**Erkith

* * *

**_

Objective Achieved!

Dom's heart sank and landed at his feet with a thud that was almost audible. Kel was in mortal danger and she called out for his cousin. The stories said that in moments of extreme terror that we realise where our heart truly lies. He'd never have guessed that's where hers would take her.

Neal.

A strange numbness began seeping into his body, willing him to simply give up and die.

Anyone else and he might have fought for her. Anyone else but Neal. Under any other circumstance.

Neal.

Mithros he was cold. Maybe his cousin would come running for Kel, but not in time to save her. Dom forced his frozen body into motion; forced his blurring, depressed mind into action. Kel's life was at stake here.

He had no weapon. _Neal would have thought to bring one_, Dom thought morosely. _Well Neal isn't here and I am._

His life before hers. That's the way it was supposed to be. With renewed determination, Dom grabbed a torch off the wall, and rushed in.

The room was empty but for Kel, who hung limply, exhausted and freezing.

He untied her and scooped her into his arms. She murmured his cousin's name, not fully conscious. "Kel, don't talk."

At the sound of his voice, her eyes snapped open. Dom. He'd actually come for her. Her heart soared in her dead-tired body. _Oh, Dom._

"Set up."

"Probably, we'll find the bastard that did this to you, Kel. You have my word. We'll make him suffer as you have."

"Neal." Kel said hoarsely. "Neal."

Dom's heart, already trailing on the floor behind him, wrenched. "No, Kel. I'm Dom."

She looked at him, frowned. "I know..." Her teeth chattered while she tried to figure out just what he was missing. "Neal... he's..."

"Not **here**, damn it!" Dom shouted. He was holding her – could feel her body shaking with cold as much as his own, and all she could talk about was bloody Neal?

"Gods, Kel! I was so worried! I thought I'd never get here in time!"

Kel shook her head; pressed a bloody finger to his lip... the blood parted his lips and rested on his tongue. It tasted like... it tasted like... Expecting the salt and metal of blood, Dom nearly dropped Kel when he tasted the jam.

"What the...? Who the...? Why the hell...?" Dom stuttered. He placed her on her feet very gently, but Kel was unsure whether it was to protect her exhausted body or him from another jolt.

"Neal." Kel said simply.

"Neal?"

"Uh huh. Seems he tried to play matchmaker a whole new way."

"Why that... that... GRRRRR!"

"It is rather hard to put into words, isn't it." Kel smiled up at her sergeant/rescuer bemusedly.

Dom thought about it for a moment, and eyed the tools of torture still on the tray. "Do you think he knows he's gonna die?"

Kel smiled shakily. "I should hope so."

Her hazel eyes danced with laughter. Her skin and hair, and what was left of her clothes were smeared with butter, jam, and what looked suspiciously like feathers. Her lips her blue with cold. She was a mess. They both were. He couldn't resist any longer.

He pressed his lips to hers, softly at first, but with increasing passion. He pulled away, sharply. Suddenly aware of what he'd done. "I... ahhh...Kel..."

Her lips twitched. "I love you, Sergeant Domitian."

He blinked at her. _It could work. He'd resign from the Own if he had to, but Raoul... But... he was going to have to convince her. Kel'd never agree to marry him. Kel was his friend, not his lover... she wouldn't understand..._ He did a double take._ WAIT! DID SHE JUST SAY SHE LOVED ME!_

Kel cocked her head to one side so she could stare up into his confused face. "Do you love me, Dom?"

Dom blinked again. Yes. Yes, he did. "Yeah..." Dom grinned, not quite daring to believe it. "Yeah, I guess I do."

Her laugh, her tears, her hopes and her fears Dom knew Kel more thoroughly than he knew himself. And damned if this didn't prove it.

He leaned in for another kiss and then...

Neal leaned out a window, several landings up, and catcalled them. "Mission: True Love Never Ran So Cold, OBJECTIVE ACHIEVED! Kel and Dom sittin' in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

All romantic thoughts were banished as the two faced their next victim of vengeance.

"NEAL! WE'RE GOING TO KILL YOU!"

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**A/N:** Slightly predictable, I know. Still, I hope you all enjoyed it and return to enjoy the final chapter to be posted next week! 

Thank you to all who read and doubly to those who reviewed!

I haven't yet seen the rule written out anywhere, so I'm going to respond to my reviews. If a moderator (or whatever the runners of are called) has an issue with this, I hope he or she will let me know (confirm...or preferably deny the rumours) before trying to delete my account.

THANK YOU TO MY REVIEWERS!

**Wildace Keladry2005:** lol was it THAT obvious? Oh well, glad you're enjoying it. Next weeks chapter I find inexplicably hilarious!

**Atlanta Enchanted:** Still convinced Neal wouldn't do something like this? lol sounds very Neal to me! And I was totally disappointed when Cleon took Kel from Neal, right up until Dom stole Kel from Cleon: D By the way, glad you're not dead and still reading!

**Feifiefofum: **lol ok so it was a bit sappy, but how could I possibly resist? As for the jam/butter etc... I used them because they're harmless edibles that can be mistaken from far away for blood and sweat... what was I supposed to use? Lol I do apologize for the bad thoughts!

**Zerrin of the Wind:** lol I think this story is a bit crazy too! Lol not sure it's just you : p And I too find it hilarious when Dom is completely out of the loop!

**Tortall Princess:** lol you're worried about **Dom** hurting Neal: O If I were Neal I'd be much more worried about **KEL**! Lol and all that comes next chapter :D

**Anaroriel:** Apparently, the word for this fic is "eldritch" according to Mistywabbit who found it in a thesaurus. Definition: unearthly/weird ... lol doesn't it suit?

**Padfoot's Sidekick:** lol the torture idea occurred to me completely randomly one day... glad you like it!

**Bambolieblue:** lol way to anticipate my plot! Lol thanks for reviewing! Hope his moment of indecision didn't worry you too much... heeheehee

**Mistywabbit: **LOL I can't believe you looked up an adjective to describe my fic! Lol I'm so honored! "Eldritch" is the perfect word! THANK YOU! LOL

**The Hobbit Lass: **lol please don't have a heart attack! Then I wouldn't get to smile at your wonderful reviews! ...and you'd miss next week's chapter! Lol hope you enjoyed it!

**FanFictionFantom:** lol it was that obvious? You guessed on what...? the second chapter! Congrats to you!

**Dancer4eva:** love the name! Hope you get a laugh out of the next one!

**RunnerNDA: **You and Feifiefofum... what do you to read/watch! Lol I never intended for it to be disturbing, just that from the windows it would look like blood! And the revenge scene is next!

**Lutefa:** lol I think the last few lines of this chappie pretty much answer your q's so I'll just say good luck with Lily, Oprah and your brother!

**Callie:** lol you would pick that up:D lol I know it's cliché but I just couldn't help it!

**Syl Rose:** lol thank you! This fic is nothing if not weird! Hope this chapter helped clear things up! Stick around to read next week's finale... lol all I can say is revenge.

**Goddess Of The Moon: **LOL "Kel's toast" that's hilarious! I never thought of it that way! Everyone has these symbolisms for jam and butter that I never would have thought of! This week's reviews are great!


	6. Fate of the Lamented Torturer

**Disclaimer: **WARNING, the following fanfiction does not claim to make sense, fit within the book, or to be anything other than the creation of a quirky mind. All characters belong to Tamora Pierce's Protector of the Small series.

**Author's Note from Erkith:** This is the first time I've finished a multi-chapter fic, so I'm pretty darn chipper about it! Thank you to all the lovely ppl who have read, reviewed, and just generally enjoyed this very "eldritch" fic! I hope you find the finale appropriate.

Enjoy!

_**Erkith**_

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**True Love Never Ran So Cold**

Chapter Six: Fate of the Lamented Torturer

"I don't see why this is necessary." Neal complained as Kel began smoothing the butter over him. "It was all in good fun and the mission succeeded."

He yelped as it began trickling and tickling down his spin and chest.

"I do." Kel said good-humouredly.

"So do I." Dom's blue eyes flashed with unholy amusement as he abandoned his post against the doorway. He picked up some pepper and blew it into the healer's face.

Neal sneezed a fair symphony of sneezes. A broad grin spread across his cousin's face. "That's more like it!" he encouraged as Neal's eyes began to water.

"I... achew! Hate... achew! YOU! Achew achew achew!"

Kel started laughing and offered Dom the butter-knife and jam, reaching for the feather duster that lay just beyond her reach. She stumbled into Dom and the sergeant caught her with his body and arms – his hands were full.

They exchanged a brief kiss, then shared a smile that made them look rather demonic. They both put down their weapons.

Neal was abruptly very nervous. "Dom?"

No answer.

"Kel?" His eyes widened.

No answer.

Then they moved in on him and subjected him to full on tickling. Neal writhed against the wall, hoping against all hope to find some escape somewhere from two pairs of hands. "Aghhhhhh!" he gasped. "Not... FAIR! NOT... FAIR!"

"Is the wind talking, Kel?" Dom asked, mockingly curious.

"I don't hear anything." Kel returned with an impish grin.

"I..." choke, "did...didn't," choke, "dddddoooo this to yooooouuuuuuuuu!"

And so they say the fort rang for weeks with the tortured laughter and screams of Nealan of Queenscove.

**THE END.

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**

**A/N: **Thank you to all my readers and reviewers! I hope you enjoyed True Love Never Ran So Cold! Look out for a possible sequel in future…

And does anyone have ideas for one-shots? I feel like writing another one…

_**Erkith**_

**Thanks go to:** RunnerNDA, Callie, feifiefofum, Atlanta Enchanted, Bambolieblue, Sorceress Shadow Rain, mistywabbit, Zerrin of the Wind, Lady Angelique of mystiqu, tortall princess, Chios-gal, Dreaming Crow, Lady Shannon Of RosePeak, Padfoot's Sidekick, Wildlace Keladry2005, sparkley-tangerine, lutefa, dancer4eva, FanFictionFantom, The Hobbit Lass, Syl Rose, Sharn, Goddess Of The Moon, Rubber Duck, Anaroriel, and limegirl62

**Bambolieblue:** lol glad you're enjoying it! Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

**Limegirl62:** lol that's a great idea! I'm thinking of writing another ridiculous fic… would you mind if I used it?

**Tortall princess: **lol I want to do some more extensive revenge, so look out for a sequel! Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

**Mistywabbit: **lol I'll never forget eldritch! Lol THE perfect word! KD rocks! Lol and who doesn't love Neal? Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

**FanFictionFantom:** Congrats, you got it! Lol, the green magic thing in "Stolen" gave it away right? Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

**Goddess Of The Moon: **I don't suppose you want me write the sequel soon… :D Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

**Lutefa:** GAAAHHHH! The ending of Lady Knight makes me want to throw it off a cliff! Dom and Kel! I mean come on – PERFECT! Lol Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

**Feifiefofum: **lol I only wish I wrote that fast! I promised to update this fic once a week! Because the chapters were already written… Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer! (even when disturbed by jam).

**Lady Shannon Of RosePeak: **SILLY SILLY SILLY! And very eldritch! Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

**Syl Rose: **lol why does this chap make me laugh (they all do… ; )) you're probably mad because this was short, so I'll just say please don't kill me and look out for a sequel… and do you have an idea I could use for a one-shot? Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

**Atlanta Enchanted:** butter and jam because the idea started with the butterknife… and so I picked spreadables that look like blood and sweat:D Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

**Wildlace keladry2005: **keep an eye open for a sequel! Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

**RunnerNDA:** :D! Don't worry, Neal will suffer dearly dearly dearly! Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

**Padfoot's Sidekick: **I'll get right on that! Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

**The Hobbit Lass: **not a Neal lover! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh! Run away! Lol naw, Neal's great, isn't he? I was sooooo upset when she got together with Cleon, but DOM RULES! (lol my fangirlism) Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

**Sparkley-tangerine:** lol read your review and laughed my head off! That's exactly what I feel when I write this stuff! For a couple minutes I feel normal! I'll try and whip up a sequel for ya! Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

**Zerrin of the Wind: **lol I couldn't resist Neal taunting them from above "K-I-S-S-I-N-G" lol Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!


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